Letting go of someone you love is HARD!!!! This is the most difficult thing I think I have ever had to do. It is more difficult than dealing with my fertility problems.
Two weeks ago today, I said goodbye to Caio (our former exchange student). I had this really strong attachment to him and apparently he didn’t feel the same way about me. It took me 18 months to figure that out!!!! I guess I was living in my own world because other people around me saw it but, I couldn’t. Only one person was ever honest with me about this “unhealthy” connection.
On January 5th, I told Caio we couldn’t have contact for at least 1 month. Two weeks in, it hasn’t exactly gone as planned. Last Wednesday, we chatted online for a few minutes at the encouragement of his mom. I didn’t want to but, I did it anyway. That same day I decided to hide his facebook posts so I wouldn’t have to see his updates. I thought I could handle it this way. I didn’t have to see him but, he could still see me.
Yesterday, Caio decided to talk a walk down memory lane on my Facebook page. He decided to tag people in some of my photos and tag me in some of his photos. I wasn’t really expecting to see these updates but, when I did, I wasn’t very happy about it. I decided to let it go and not worry about it. Then he and a friend starting having a conversation about one of the pics and since I was tagged I got an update every time there was a new comment. This hurt a little more. That evening he sends me an email asking about school paperwork. He didn’t really “ask” anything. He expected me to do something based on a string of emails. This sent me over the edge.
I was doing so well for 2 weeks not thinking about him every other second, not calculating the time difference between here and Brazil, not thinking about what he might be doing and any given moment of the day. I was getting back to ME! Then yesterday happened and any progress I had made during the past two weeks was shattered!!! It’s all gone. I have spent the last 36 hours constantly thinking about HIM!!!! I barely slept last night, every time I rolled over in my sleep my thoughts turned to Caio.
If you haven’t guessed by now, this is one of the reasons I started this blog. So I can forget about him, so I can move on with my life. Because I know he did a long time ago. Today, I deleted him as my friend on Facebook. If this project/experiment is going to work, I need space. I need time to heal, time to figure out who I was before he came into my life. I need to get back to me.
So, I am starting over today. I had to say goodbye again, in a way that I didn’t want. Our “time out” just got longer. I am starting the count from today. Caio and I cannot have any communication for 1-3 months. Hopefully, this will give me enough time to let go.
Caio, I need you to respect my wishes . . .